Baseball in Africa
Recently, my sister and were discussing the magic of the third child. Somehow, the third child in any family is the blessed one. He or she is smarter, faster, and better looking than the others. They work hard, they tell great stories, and people love them. We came to this conclusion after spending 29 years with our little brother, Michael.
Michael is good at everything. He is brilliant. He is athletic. He is funny. He's everything you wish you could be.
And he just got back from 45 days in Africa and despite the fact that he was in one of the most undeveloped continents on the planet (Antarctica officially gets the number one spot on that list), he managed to stay competitive in his fantasy baseball league. And when no one else in the league sent a summary of the current standings, Mike took it upon himself to analyze the roster. Here's what he had to say:
"I'm about halfway through my trip and writing from a hut in Zambia. Hooray for the prevalence of wifi in third world countries. Since no one else seems to have put together standings, I guess I'll do it once more (safari edition).
1. Madoff's Mets 81.5 (49 Hit, 32.5 Pitch) His team is still hitting 307, thus his team reminds me of the zebra. Why? Well female zebras are always pregnant. Their gestation period is almost a year and they have one baby per year. That's a pretty high BA if you ask me.
2. Small Fries 74.5 (47 Hit, 27.5 pitch) My best players (Adam Jones, Gio Gonzalez and Ian Kinsler) are all players I tried to trade before the season started. I guess that makes me the eland or oryx, who survives by not being picked off by hungry lions. Sometimes not being first choice is a good thing.
3. Loki's Fire 73 (29.5 hit, 32.5 pitch) Much like the giant fish eagle, Jimmy is always fishing for some kind of a deal. His team has kept its regal perch in spite of lacking the power of years past because of his keen eyesight for good pitchers.
4. Killer B's 72.5 (45 hit, 27.5) Absurd amounts of power (86 HR/263 RBI) makes this the team most like an elephant. Will he act like an elephant and remember that Josh Hamilton is bound to get injured soon, so he should trade him soon?
5. The McMillans 68 (28 hit, 40 pitch) An interesting team gets an interesting animal. He's like a genet, lurking in the night and snatching small players no one else cares to bother with. Every once in awhile this results in him grabbing something big like Adam Dunn, on the cheap.
T6. Bench Warmers 58.5 (35 hit, 23.5 pitch) Like the baboon, he is unpredictable and dangerous. Sometimes he surprises you with his cunning, but mostly he just smells.
T6. Cumbersome Moths 58.5 (26.5 hit, 32 pitch) The hyena is known mostly for their depiction in Lion King as the dumb underlings of Lions, but in the savannah, they are more known for their eery call that can be heard as you retire to your tent. He is suffering from the lions of his team (Tulo/Lincecum) playing more like hyenas, but I still get chills when I see them in the lineup against me.
T8. TribeTime 58 (30 hit, 28 pitch) His team is well balanced and has some "big" hitters (Stanton/Pujols) but its just not that interesting of a team. It's like the water buffalo: sure its one of the "Big 5" but when you see it, you are like, "whats the big deal? That's just a cow with funny horns."
T8. Old fashion 58 (21 hit, 37 pitch) Like the chameleon, his team can shift to its environment. Also like the chameleon, it poses little threat to everyone else.
10. Better than Padres 57.5 (19 hit, 38.5 pitch) This is easy, last place has to be the dung beetle. Like the beetle, the Padres will roll a piece of dung into a large ball until it is large enough to impress their significant other. Then they procreate and die. This reminds me of the trade process. How do you like my dung ball now that I threw in so and so?"
Okay, sure the team names may not make a lot of sense to those not in the league and if you're not a sports fan, some of the analogies might fall flat--but you have to admit: this is awesome. Never before has a fantatsy baseball league seemed like so much fun. Maybe next year, I'll join the league, purely in hopes of another update like this.
Michael is good at everything. He is brilliant. He is athletic. He is funny. He's everything you wish you could be.
And he just got back from 45 days in Africa and despite the fact that he was in one of the most undeveloped continents on the planet (Antarctica officially gets the number one spot on that list), he managed to stay competitive in his fantasy baseball league. And when no one else in the league sent a summary of the current standings, Mike took it upon himself to analyze the roster. Here's what he had to say:
"I'm about halfway through my trip and writing from a hut in Zambia. Hooray for the prevalence of wifi in third world countries. Since no one else seems to have put together standings, I guess I'll do it once more (safari edition).
1. Madoff's Mets 81.5 (49 Hit, 32.5 Pitch) His team is still hitting 307, thus his team reminds me of the zebra. Why? Well female zebras are always pregnant. Their gestation period is almost a year and they have one baby per year. That's a pretty high BA if you ask me.
2. Small Fries 74.5 (47 Hit, 27.5 pitch) My best players (Adam Jones, Gio Gonzalez and Ian Kinsler) are all players I tried to trade before the season started. I guess that makes me the eland or oryx, who survives by not being picked off by hungry lions. Sometimes not being first choice is a good thing.
3. Loki's Fire 73 (29.5 hit, 32.5 pitch) Much like the giant fish eagle, Jimmy is always fishing for some kind of a deal. His team has kept its regal perch in spite of lacking the power of years past because of his keen eyesight for good pitchers.
4. Killer B's 72.5 (45 hit, 27.5) Absurd amounts of power (86 HR/263 RBI) makes this the team most like an elephant. Will he act like an elephant and remember that Josh Hamilton is bound to get injured soon, so he should trade him soon?
5. The McMillans 68 (28 hit, 40 pitch) An interesting team gets an interesting animal. He's like a genet, lurking in the night and snatching small players no one else cares to bother with. Every once in awhile this results in him grabbing something big like Adam Dunn, on the cheap.
T6. Bench Warmers 58.5 (35 hit, 23.5 pitch) Like the baboon, he is unpredictable and dangerous. Sometimes he surprises you with his cunning, but mostly he just smells.
T6. Cumbersome Moths 58.5 (26.5 hit, 32 pitch) The hyena is known mostly for their depiction in Lion King as the dumb underlings of Lions, but in the savannah, they are more known for their eery call that can be heard as you retire to your tent. He is suffering from the lions of his team (Tulo/Lincecum) playing more like hyenas, but I still get chills when I see them in the lineup against me.
T8. TribeTime 58 (30 hit, 28 pitch) His team is well balanced and has some "big" hitters (Stanton/Pujols) but its just not that interesting of a team. It's like the water buffalo: sure its one of the "Big 5" but when you see it, you are like, "whats the big deal? That's just a cow with funny horns."
T8. Old fashion 58 (21 hit, 37 pitch) Like the chameleon, his team can shift to its environment. Also like the chameleon, it poses little threat to everyone else.
10. Better than Padres 57.5 (19 hit, 38.5 pitch) This is easy, last place has to be the dung beetle. Like the beetle, the Padres will roll a piece of dung into a large ball until it is large enough to impress their significant other. Then they procreate and die. This reminds me of the trade process. How do you like my dung ball now that I threw in so and so?"
Okay, sure the team names may not make a lot of sense to those not in the league and if you're not a sports fan, some of the analogies might fall flat--but you have to admit: this is awesome. Never before has a fantatsy baseball league seemed like so much fun. Maybe next year, I'll join the league, purely in hopes of another update like this.
Baseball in the States
Michael didn't make me wait a whole year for another wonderful update. This is another reason he's the best brother, ever.
As a side note, I managed to score a front-row ticket to the San Francisco Giants vs the Cincinnati Reds game yesterday, where Mike's pitcher threw a two-hitter. (It was a pretty spectacular game and every time a lefty came up to bat, you could see my sunburned face on Fox Sports!) This made me far more excited to see Michael's update this morning.
Alas, here is the latest update from the Allan fantasy league, thanks to Mike:
As for the standings: I've decided to use my MBA skills and change it from a simple rotisserie standings to something with a bit more statistical flavor. So, I am now measuring each category using a normal distribution. Each team is given the probability that they will win that category on a given week. Totaling these probabilities gives us what thier expected win total on a weekly basis with a range from 0 to 12. So for example, The McMillans are expected to win between 7 and 8 categories each week, while the Moths are expected to win less than 4. Further, I'll highlight which categories each team has above 80% or below 20% chance of winning each week.
Now lets get into the standings. Since I am back from the bush and re-integrating into civilization, this week's standings will center around our favorite domesticated animals.
1. The McMillans 7.69 (80%: SB, SV, K, WHIP 20%: AVG) This team has really snuck up on me. I didn't think it had the hitting, but he's managed to gain stature every week. It's like owning a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. They are faithful, obedient, smart and friendly dogs. Quite possibly the best domesticated animal. Sure, they lack the power to stop a thief who breaks into your house, but this team has shown you can win without massive amounts of power.
2. Madoff's Mets 7.42 (80% R, HR, RBI, AVG, 20% BB, HLD) This team is full of hitters who can hit for power and average, but this team has no patience (walks/holds). Thus, I'll go with an animal that is easy to train, powerful but wildly impatient: a pig. Those suckers are smart, but when they get hungry, get out of the way, they will knock you over if there is food on the ground.
3. Loki's Fire 7.36 (80% R, BB, W, K, HLD, 20% SV) Jim has a dominant (89%+) position in all 5 of his go-to categories. He plays to his strengths, he's fearsome, and he's always lurking. It's like a pet boa constrictor. He will squeeze the life out of you if you let him get close.
4. Killer B's 6.77 (80% HR, RBI, BB 20% SB, K, WHIP) Still a dominant force in the power categories, as well as walks, I'll have to liken it to a pet that you would be better off walking away from : a pet alligator. You know how it is, when your friends first see that you have an alligator they are like "Wow, that is awesome." Then, before you know it, its grown out of control and scares the heck out of you each morning when you find it waiting for you in the shower.
5. Better than Padres 6.19 (80% SV 20% R) This team is getting by with solid pitching, and Robinson Cano who has been on an absolute tear of late. This team's lack of many dominant categories makes it pretty forgettable. It's like owning a goldfish. It's not great, its not terrible, its just something you don't pay that much attention to. In fact, its not that hard to forget that you ever owned a goldfish. To quote Milhouse from the Simpsons: "Remember that time when Santa's Little Helper ate my goldfish, and you said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?"
6. Small Fries 5.93 (80% AVG, HLD 20% RBI, BB, ERA, WHIP) I'll go ahead and say it: my team is adorable. I'm like a chinchilla. I have absolute no idea what they do, but somehow they keep winning everyone's affection against all odds.
7. Tribe Time 5.78 (80% SB, ERA 20% HR, W, K) This team keeps getting better as the season gets on. They seem to be getting by on rate stats (AVG, ERA, WHIP all >70%) and speed. That's all well and good, but I like my teams to have better count stats. Thus, I liken this team to a cat. You could say there are some good things about cats in regards to the ratio of time you put into them to their utility as a pet. But when their best characteristic is the fact you can ignore them, that's not exactly a ringing endorsement. In fact, you can cats are a useless pet by one very telling statistic: I don't know of any single guy, living alone, who owns a cat. That's because cats are lame.
8. Bench Warmers 4.83 (80% none 20% HLD, ERA, WHIP) The only team on this list that has no dominant category. It's like a domesticated baboon. Not a lot of positives about having a baboon in your house. It's always hungry, it has fleas, and it smells.
9. Old fashion 4.16 (80% ERA 20% R, SB, AVG, SV, K) There was a time when this team was neck and neck with Madoff's Mets for the highest batting average. Now they are second to the bottom. I'd say this is like the pet parakeet from Dumb and Dumber. It was chirping away at the beggining of the season, but now its head is falling off.
10. Cumbersome Moths 3.81 (80% Sv 20% R, HR, RBI, BB, AVG, W, HLD) When you have less than a 20% chance of winning 7 categories, you probably aren't going to do too well in the standings. Its like having a gerbil, they always seem to find new ways to off themselves. From getting caught in their hamster wheel, to falling out of the cage in an escape attempt, to simply passing way from overeating. Gerbils really are not the smartest creatures.
As a side note, I managed to score a front-row ticket to the San Francisco Giants vs the Cincinnati Reds game yesterday, where Mike's pitcher threw a two-hitter. (It was a pretty spectacular game and every time a lefty came up to bat, you could see my sunburned face on Fox Sports!) This made me far more excited to see Michael's update this morning.
Alas, here is the latest update from the Allan fantasy league, thanks to Mike:
As for the standings: I've decided to use my MBA skills and change it from a simple rotisserie standings to something with a bit more statistical flavor. So, I am now measuring each category using a normal distribution. Each team is given the probability that they will win that category on a given week. Totaling these probabilities gives us what thier expected win total on a weekly basis with a range from 0 to 12. So for example, The McMillans are expected to win between 7 and 8 categories each week, while the Moths are expected to win less than 4. Further, I'll highlight which categories each team has above 80% or below 20% chance of winning each week.
Now lets get into the standings. Since I am back from the bush and re-integrating into civilization, this week's standings will center around our favorite domesticated animals.
1. The McMillans 7.69 (80%: SB, SV, K, WHIP 20%: AVG) This team has really snuck up on me. I didn't think it had the hitting, but he's managed to gain stature every week. It's like owning a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. They are faithful, obedient, smart and friendly dogs. Quite possibly the best domesticated animal. Sure, they lack the power to stop a thief who breaks into your house, but this team has shown you can win without massive amounts of power.
2. Madoff's Mets 7.42 (80% R, HR, RBI, AVG, 20% BB, HLD) This team is full of hitters who can hit for power and average, but this team has no patience (walks/holds). Thus, I'll go with an animal that is easy to train, powerful but wildly impatient: a pig. Those suckers are smart, but when they get hungry, get out of the way, they will knock you over if there is food on the ground.
3. Loki's Fire 7.36 (80% R, BB, W, K, HLD, 20% SV) Jim has a dominant (89%+) position in all 5 of his go-to categories. He plays to his strengths, he's fearsome, and he's always lurking. It's like a pet boa constrictor. He will squeeze the life out of you if you let him get close.
4. Killer B's 6.77 (80% HR, RBI, BB 20% SB, K, WHIP) Still a dominant force in the power categories, as well as walks, I'll have to liken it to a pet that you would be better off walking away from : a pet alligator. You know how it is, when your friends first see that you have an alligator they are like "Wow, that is awesome." Then, before you know it, its grown out of control and scares the heck out of you each morning when you find it waiting for you in the shower.
5. Better than Padres 6.19 (80% SV 20% R) This team is getting by with solid pitching, and Robinson Cano who has been on an absolute tear of late. This team's lack of many dominant categories makes it pretty forgettable. It's like owning a goldfish. It's not great, its not terrible, its just something you don't pay that much attention to. In fact, its not that hard to forget that you ever owned a goldfish. To quote Milhouse from the Simpsons: "Remember that time when Santa's Little Helper ate my goldfish, and you said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?"
6. Small Fries 5.93 (80% AVG, HLD 20% RBI, BB, ERA, WHIP) I'll go ahead and say it: my team is adorable. I'm like a chinchilla. I have absolute no idea what they do, but somehow they keep winning everyone's affection against all odds.
7. Tribe Time 5.78 (80% SB, ERA 20% HR, W, K) This team keeps getting better as the season gets on. They seem to be getting by on rate stats (AVG, ERA, WHIP all >70%) and speed. That's all well and good, but I like my teams to have better count stats. Thus, I liken this team to a cat. You could say there are some good things about cats in regards to the ratio of time you put into them to their utility as a pet. But when their best characteristic is the fact you can ignore them, that's not exactly a ringing endorsement. In fact, you can cats are a useless pet by one very telling statistic: I don't know of any single guy, living alone, who owns a cat. That's because cats are lame.
8. Bench Warmers 4.83 (80% none 20% HLD, ERA, WHIP) The only team on this list that has no dominant category. It's like a domesticated baboon. Not a lot of positives about having a baboon in your house. It's always hungry, it has fleas, and it smells.
9. Old fashion 4.16 (80% ERA 20% R, SB, AVG, SV, K) There was a time when this team was neck and neck with Madoff's Mets for the highest batting average. Now they are second to the bottom. I'd say this is like the pet parakeet from Dumb and Dumber. It was chirping away at the beggining of the season, but now its head is falling off.
10. Cumbersome Moths 3.81 (80% Sv 20% R, HR, RBI, BB, AVG, W, HLD) When you have less than a 20% chance of winning 7 categories, you probably aren't going to do too well in the standings. Its like having a gerbil, they always seem to find new ways to off themselves. From getting caught in their hamster wheel, to falling out of the cage in an escape attempt, to simply passing way from overeating. Gerbils really are not the smartest creatures.
One Word
Mike's latest baseball standings confirm that I have the worst vocabulary of any of my siblings. I actually had to look up two of the words he used in his descriptions. I suppose I am smarter for it! So, without further ado, I give you Michael's latest fantasy baseball standings:
You may or may not know that my exploits of list making and ranking extended into my MBA class. From ranking the class by attractiveness, to pairing each girl with two guys (this one got me into some awkward conversations after people found out that I did this), to my latest creation, summing each individual in class up in one word (fun fact: "brusk" is a very good substitute for another word that starts with a "b", and it's better to describe someone as "ovoid" than as pretty much any fruit). This week, I'll be extending that honor on to the 10 teams of the League:
Note, these standings are for June 18-present. Wanted to see who has been hot of late.
1. McMilans 8.11 (90%+ R, SV, SV, ERA, WHIP) Vegas. Seriously, how do you get this lucky with pretty much all of your pickups? Josh Reddick? Adam Dunn? You really should just head to Vegas with the kind of skill/luck you've had with this team.
2. TribeTime 7.44 (90%+ RBI ,BB 10%- W) Leviathan. Like a gigantic sea monster, this team has risen from the depths of the standings to become a very scary team to face of late. And like the stories of most sea creatures from Cleveland, come crunch time this team will probably burn to death in the lake from which it came.
3. Bench Warmers 6.90 (10%- HLD) nonplus. This team confuses me on two fronts: first, they have won 1.5 less games than expected over the last 3 weeks (expected 6.9 wins, actual average win total 5.4). Second, they have made several trades that have made me very nonplus. But, as I've said before, this team is like a dangerous baboon, you just don't try to understand their actions (seriously, who throws feces?).
4. Loki's Fire 6.13 (90%+ BB 10%- AVG, SV) Wicked. As his team name suggests, Jimmy's fantasy alter-ego rarely has altruistic means behind his behavior. He has a plan, and in spite of some ice cold bats (.240 BA), he's still been able to average 6 wins a week. This is a team that's built for the long haul.
5. Small Fries 6.07 Pale. I always exclude myself from the MBA lists, but since I have to write about myself I'll just say this. I'm not dominant anywhere, nor am I weak anywhere. Thus, I am pale like a ghost. I sneak up on all my opponents, and then surprise even myself by winning 6-5.
6. Madoff's Mets 5.81 (10%- SB) Zippy. Sure his team is plodding, but he's got to be the zippiest owner in the league. Always hot to make any transaction, this team is anything but stale. Also, like the lighter of the same name, his team is full of lighter fluid and...um, oh man, similie brain freeze...and his team just needs a spark to ignight? Oh, I am sorry for that one. Speaking of ignighting lights, why isn't there already a mashup of Ellie Goulding's Lights and Kanye West's All of the Lights? That would a zippy song.
7. Killer B's 5.71 (90%+ BB, 10%- W , K) unlucky. Just slightly more unlucky than the BWarmers, the B's have averaged less than 1.5 wins below their expected value. This team has an explosive lineup, but he didn't take my advice in past rotisserie standings and trade Josh Hamilton.
8. Better than Padres 5.47 (90%+ RBI, AVG) Perspicacious. I challenge you to enter into any conversation with Ross and not come out of it feeling like he is perspicacious about fantasty baseball. In spite of that and his somewhat dominant hitting of late (.313 AVG) he's been unable to overcome poor pitching. Perhaps he should let Ben and Sam make some pitching pick ups for him.
9. Cumbersome Moths 4.79 (90%+ ERA 10%- R, HR, W, HLD) Drained. It's like baby Dracula (aka Tim Lincecum) has sucked the life out of this entire team.
10. Old fashion 3.53 (10%- R, HR, RBI, SV, WHIP) Toothless. From his less than stellar draft to his odd hitting strategy, this team hasn't really provided much of a challenge since April. Mike Allan, you are letting down our name :(
You may or may not know that my exploits of list making and ranking extended into my MBA class. From ranking the class by attractiveness, to pairing each girl with two guys (this one got me into some awkward conversations after people found out that I did this), to my latest creation, summing each individual in class up in one word (fun fact: "brusk" is a very good substitute for another word that starts with a "b", and it's better to describe someone as "ovoid" than as pretty much any fruit). This week, I'll be extending that honor on to the 10 teams of the League:
Note, these standings are for June 18-present. Wanted to see who has been hot of late.
1. McMilans 8.11 (90%+ R, SV, SV, ERA, WHIP) Vegas. Seriously, how do you get this lucky with pretty much all of your pickups? Josh Reddick? Adam Dunn? You really should just head to Vegas with the kind of skill/luck you've had with this team.
2. TribeTime 7.44 (90%+ RBI ,BB 10%- W) Leviathan. Like a gigantic sea monster, this team has risen from the depths of the standings to become a very scary team to face of late. And like the stories of most sea creatures from Cleveland, come crunch time this team will probably burn to death in the lake from which it came.
3. Bench Warmers 6.90 (10%- HLD) nonplus. This team confuses me on two fronts: first, they have won 1.5 less games than expected over the last 3 weeks (expected 6.9 wins, actual average win total 5.4). Second, they have made several trades that have made me very nonplus. But, as I've said before, this team is like a dangerous baboon, you just don't try to understand their actions (seriously, who throws feces?).
4. Loki's Fire 6.13 (90%+ BB 10%- AVG, SV) Wicked. As his team name suggests, Jimmy's fantasy alter-ego rarely has altruistic means behind his behavior. He has a plan, and in spite of some ice cold bats (.240 BA), he's still been able to average 6 wins a week. This is a team that's built for the long haul.
5. Small Fries 6.07 Pale. I always exclude myself from the MBA lists, but since I have to write about myself I'll just say this. I'm not dominant anywhere, nor am I weak anywhere. Thus, I am pale like a ghost. I sneak up on all my opponents, and then surprise even myself by winning 6-5.
6. Madoff's Mets 5.81 (10%- SB) Zippy. Sure his team is plodding, but he's got to be the zippiest owner in the league. Always hot to make any transaction, this team is anything but stale. Also, like the lighter of the same name, his team is full of lighter fluid and...um, oh man, similie brain freeze...and his team just needs a spark to ignight? Oh, I am sorry for that one. Speaking of ignighting lights, why isn't there already a mashup of Ellie Goulding's Lights and Kanye West's All of the Lights? That would a zippy song.
7. Killer B's 5.71 (90%+ BB, 10%- W , K) unlucky. Just slightly more unlucky than the BWarmers, the B's have averaged less than 1.5 wins below their expected value. This team has an explosive lineup, but he didn't take my advice in past rotisserie standings and trade Josh Hamilton.
8. Better than Padres 5.47 (90%+ RBI, AVG) Perspicacious. I challenge you to enter into any conversation with Ross and not come out of it feeling like he is perspicacious about fantasty baseball. In spite of that and his somewhat dominant hitting of late (.313 AVG) he's been unable to overcome poor pitching. Perhaps he should let Ben and Sam make some pitching pick ups for him.
9. Cumbersome Moths 4.79 (90%+ ERA 10%- R, HR, W, HLD) Drained. It's like baby Dracula (aka Tim Lincecum) has sucked the life out of this entire team.
10. Old fashion 3.53 (10%- R, HR, RBI, SV, WHIP) Toothless. From his less than stellar draft to his odd hitting strategy, this team hasn't really provided much of a challenge since April. Mike Allan, you are letting down our name :(